So many things to tell... Where to begin?

First, it is my 24th birthday today. And I practically slept through it. Like completely lost it to a deep sleep. Somehow, I feel kind of safe, which is weird. It must be related to yesterday's unforgettable moments.

Second, a particular stage of my life is over. Like over over. It is a combination of happiness and emptiness. A combination I know is weird. 

Third, I just signed up for another harsh training. I won't call it a torment but hell yeah what I feel about it. I'm the only one inexperienced. Feel like a complete stranger in the team at an alienated place. We will base at a place with class. I just like to call it alienated. 

Fourth, the outcome of my consistent effort will be revealed soon. I feel kind of lost. Not sure why, but I know it is related to my psychology. There is a void in me.  Forget it, it will always be there. All I do is attempt to un-feel it.

Fifth, I signed up for another exam. Gosh, what am I getting myself into. It is a tough exam. I honestly don't think I will be able to commit. 

Sixth, I'm transitioning. Not sure it is a good thing, but the word "transitioning" certainly don't sound like a good process. Yes, I feel it that way too. I just have my finger crossed that it will be less gruesome than I anticipate.

Seventh, it is about my family affairs. Lotsa unspoken truth. Kind of tiring to even mention to the people, nor do it here. As usual, I am going to say that "I will be fine." Even though I'm not. 

Eighth, it is a whole new journey ahead. I'm past the checkpoint. So, for anything good or bad that happens here onwards, I will be respawned at here, as a new person. 

Ninth, I wanted to be baptized. I have always wanted to be baptised! Guess what? I think it may have to be postponed. I'm speechless. Perhaps I will blame it to the doings of the Devil. By saying postponed, it actually means that it may not happen anytime soon. Probably might not happen at all. Gosh, I just wanna confess my sins and hope that my tainted soul be cleansed off of the sins. I guess I will have to live as a sinner for a little longer then.

Tenth, there is no tenth. :)  

Chin Ang

26-03-2016

Happy Birthday to myself!

Going up the slope. 14.12.2015 1.14pm

I remember I used to like to complain about how not being a grown-up sucked.
I was too eager to be powerful and was tired of being weak. I was naive enough to think that growing up was the solution to put an end to it. Period.

Was not it natural for people to think so?
That's what the grown-ups always said: "you will know when you grow up!"
Well then, this was how I perceived it:
"The adults know things. They protect. Even when they fail to protect sometimes, still, they are protective. It means that they are not afraid. Not afraid of anything!......"

That was how I looked up to my mum and dad. So tough, almost indestructible.

As time passed, probably because of the insecurity created by the system, it took away my innocence by drawing me towards the life of an adult. Now, I am finally here, standing inside this imaginary box of the long waited status - adult. The ugly truth is, the life as a grown up is not like what I think it was. It is gruesome. And what's with the imaginary box? I thought it was supposed to protect me from harm. So now, should I just discard this imaginary box because it does not exist? I may as well crumble with it.

Guess I was wrong from the very beginning. Grown-ups are living every second with fear. They are more afraid than anybody else on this planet. They are not indestructible. In fact, they are more fragile than ever. And I am one of them now.

More responsibility, more burden, less security, less peacefulness..... actually sum up what a grown-up's life is. Sad but true. I get it now.

An adult. That's what the people see me as, atleast through their eyes it is true.
Is it?

My Recent Update!

It has been MORE THAN 1 YEAR!
Over the past year, a lot has happened to me, to my surrounding, and to those around me!
What happened has really really really changed me: I am so full of love!
It is a enormous transformation, and I have benefited a lot from it.
It is safe to say that I am finally HAPPY now!
After all being said and done, simple life like this is all I need.

I'd like to thank this blog for keeping me good company ever since 4 years ago.
I am amazed by how time really flies!
This exact moment is pretty much the same as the previous years.
The same challenges, level of stress, workload...
BUT it is so different now when my perspective, thinking and understanding have converged with the world.
I feel accepted, loved, blended in...

Feel a bit sorry for not letting people in my world any earlier!
It is a shame I don't have so many of you to be around to share my epic transformation.
I should have let people join my world and participate in my life journey.
(...to see how much I have grown, how strong I get, and how much burden I can carry with me.)
Thank you x infinity!

Still seeing those tortured souls wandering around me though.
I am trying hard to bring my light into their dark cold room of despair.
I may not be as warm as the sun, but I can bring light that outcasts the cloaking shadow that chokes them. Even if it does just a little.

I don't know how many times I am going to repeat this.
I am really happy and comfortable with myself now!
I just wanna tell you, you and you how great I am feeling.
After all, my hard work does pay off!
I worked hard to feel myself and maintain my sense of direction in the mist of chaos,
now I have gotten all I've wanted (in a realistic and attainable case), by walking out of it in one piece.
I know that adversities do strike from time to time to drag you and me down.
Just have a little patience, things will soon be over.
That's how I tell myself to keep holding on and breathing! 

Thank you, my old friends whom I have lost contact with.
Thank you, those acquaintances I made over the past 4 years.
Thank you, my current beloved friends.
You guys have no idea the life you all have given me, it is a fun ride!

More importantly, thanks my family who constantly show their care and affection (not to forget their support) to keep me going, walking and now running!
Finally, I want to thank myself for maintaining the utmost willingness to face ''life'' and embrace its perfection for being imperfect.

<3

Oct 6, 2015      Tuesday      11.30pm

9月17号 - 2014

一连三天。

好厌倦这种考试的日子。

真的很煎熬...

再给我一点时间

今天看到家人，
只是一两个小时。

家人一切都安好，
可是见到他们我的心却感到无比的痛,
不知道是自己真的很累了,
看到可以依靠的人，
却不敢上前去得到依靠。
还是看到家人真的变老了，
很心痛。

再给我几年的时间，
我会把家扛起来的。

二十年来

自认无情的我，
总是硬把自己塑造成一个冰冷的人。
殊不知，我也有这么一天。

连续快半年了，
终究不知道我哪里出了问题 。
是我压抑情感的系统产生故障了，
还是早已故障了的情感系统被打通了？

或许这一切只是个初老的现象，
没什么大不了。
也说明不了什么 。。

哪怕一堵堵坚硬的围墙也会抵挡不住岁月的摧残，
而面临崩塌的一天。
何况这只是一堵谈不上什么坚强的（心）墙？
我的(心）墙。

从来不知道与朋友短暂的离别可以令我如此揪心。
 才学到，
原来与朋友离别，
是可以多么的不舍。

谢谢你们让我学会了接受别人的存在感。

我无法开口对你们坦诚。
不过，
我还是有所行动的。
我把珍贵的情感通过文字记载下来。
希望哪一天，
你们看到了，
也知道我也是有感性的一面。

我想说，
渐渐的，
心扉打开了。

是时候准备学习接受不一样的情感了。

Homecoming

I am taking a risk. In returns, I hope the efforts will blossom and be fruitful. Stay tuned.