Stranded Here In Nothingness

Tragically, our love has died.

The melody

I know I do in this silent night.

The Return - From Serenity

This is the typical moment whereby the feeling as a lone traveller hits. Although I spent my time doing thing irrelevant to what I was supposed to do, I believe my wound was healing during the period. It finally began to heal....not physically but emotionally. The free time I used for relax will help me to get ready to challenges await.

Need, Not Want.

Listing down all random thoughts, staring at the screen for a while and making a conclusion:

I do not have a sense of belonging. It basically explains everything.

How? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how?

I do not know how! What to do? Where to start?

At home nobody stands up for me.

Outside, it is a living hell.

Friends are just programmed robots.

My circle of friends? When do I even have one?

At work, live or die is the only thing matters. Friendship comes last, they say. Proven, true.

I only belong to my room. In my room, there is just me.

Sense of belonging? Yes, an empty room.

I am all calmed whenever I write my blog.*

Do not call me to ask whether I have committed suicide. It happened before*

Some Random Thoughts

• I have 60 drafts. Mostly are what I reverted to draft after posting. 
• I feel myself stupid.
• I am killing my own image.
• I have limitation.
• My confidence does not last longer.
• I am bound to live following others instruction.
• I can't be a leader yet? Or I am just too afraid to be one? The word 'Useless' comes through my mind.
• Unbalanced.
• I brake others heart while busy complaining how people brake my heart.
• Do I have a friend?
• Laziness got me.
• Embarrassment blows me miles away. How to live in embarrassment?
• I want to end it.
• I am tired. I need a rest. A holiday.
• I know I can go further. I've stopped at two steps away from the starting point.
• Why am I stagnant?
• Am I telling what is happening in life or just being pessimistic?
• My mind is terminally ill.
• People are always seemed perfect to me. Do they see me that way as well? No.
• Can I have a day of rest. Want to be free from this messed up life.
• I have changed my perception of life greatly. Everything seems not right now.
• I used to passionate about what I do. No more now. I don't even know why am I here.
• I laugh more than I did. Do not feel happier. 
• I feel lifeless and numb everyday.
• Guess I am zombifying.
• How to push the limit when you know it is your limit?
• Sarcasm yeah thing that keeps me alive. It tells the truth.
• Lonewalker does not mean one is able to survive alone. It means survive and suffering(rotting) alone.
• Headache.
• My heart is braking. So hurt deep inside.
• Keep on telling myself to get stronger. The more I do, the deeper I sink. To where? Sorrow.
• People face the same problem? Or they really live better and happier? Or I am just discontented?
• Too ambitious. People's expectations and criticisms. Comparisons kill me.

Before late.

Precious one, dont ever leave me.

S.H.E

I am thinking too much. Time to get some sleep.

Don't ever dream about it again. Think from the correct perspective. Or just don't think....

Ultimate Shame

Finally I am done with the conflict and immaturity. I feel better now. I learn the lesson that life is not all perfect. When I work with people, I should not just do the work nicely. Instead, I need to follow the culture. That is the culture of group to keep quiet and pretend nothing has happened while busy posting their happy life pictures on Facebook.....with many likes and HAHA as comments. Haha They are still quiet, I now know that I am weak, and they are even weaker. This semester totally changes my perspective about color. I am being color blind for so many years, I start to see color lately. Lots of disappointments.... but it opens my eyes.
Remember to follow the culture, if they are corrupted, follow it! Corruption makes you perfect! People love to see you corrupted as well. Live life with success!

Color Matters NOW

Being color blind for so many years, I start to see color today.

No Doubt, They start with 'I'.

I used to think that having my skin tanned was cool. The thinking had psychologically influenced me to approach those whom I thought they were cool. Now, I know my perception was damn wrong and the people just made me gross. The further descriptions about them are as follow:

• Selfish
• Stingy
• Dirty
• Stupid
• Immoral
• Ego

With these 'remarkable' characteristics, they successfully created fake identity, whereby everything you knew about them was fake. For example, they came to you and made the face as though they were friends and started all the lies. If religion was this powerful to you, why were you behaving this way? GOD was watching you from the above. It was better if you just shut the hell up, instead of saying those insincerely.

I just do not get it when these people always talk about doing good deeds, following religious rules and reducing sins. You will think they are holy when you make acquaintance with them because they sound like a saint. At the back, they just do any unnecessary sins. They are willing to lie because it is fun, to pretend because it is fun and to strip because it is fun. Just for fun? Use your sin to do something big then, pointless to play this stupid pointless game, right? Basically, what mentioned above is their culture. Very impressive culture.

If I were you, I would not be this stupid, I would lie for wealth, fame and status. Am I not saying this appropriately? You are already making sin, no harm making a good sin, right?

Mostly What I Need From You.

....................................................................................................

I have been looking for the key everywhere. 

If lost, it will be a night with no shelter.

Someone just asks me to knock the door and he will open for me.

Why is he being nice to me? I do not have the key!

No....I am going to find it before the sky turns black. 

I cannot get in the house without the key!
.................................................................................................... 

(If you were there, would you ask him to forget about the key and just knock the door?

 I wouldn't.....)