So many things to tell... Where to begin?

First, it is my 24th birthday today. And I practically slept through it. Like completely lost it to a deep sleep. Somehow, I feel kind of safe, which is weird. It must be related to yesterday's unforgettable moments.

Second, a particular stage of my life is over. Like over over. It is a combination of happiness and emptiness. A combination I know is weird. 

Third, I just signed up for another harsh training. I won't call it a torment but hell yeah what I feel about it. I'm the only one inexperienced. Feel like a complete stranger in the team at an alienated place. We will base at a place with class. I just like to call it alienated. 

Fourth, the outcome of my consistent effort will be revealed soon. I feel kind of lost. Not sure why, but I know it is related to my psychology. There is a void in me.  Forget it, it will always be there. All I do is attempt to un-feel it.

Fifth, I signed up for another exam. Gosh, what am I getting myself into. It is a tough exam. I honestly don't think I will be able to commit. 

Sixth, I'm transitioning. Not sure it is a good thing, but the word "transitioning" certainly don't sound like a good process. Yes, I feel it that way too. I just have my finger crossed that it will be less gruesome than I anticipate.

Seventh, it is about my family affairs. Lotsa unspoken truth. Kind of tiring to even mention to the people, nor do it here. As usual, I am going to say that "I will be fine." Even though I'm not. 

Eighth, it is a whole new journey ahead. I'm past the checkpoint. So, for anything good or bad that happens here onwards, I will be respawned at here, as a new person. 

Ninth, I wanted to be baptized. I have always wanted to be baptised! Guess what? I think it may have to be postponed. I'm speechless. Perhaps I will blame it to the doings of the Devil. By saying postponed, it actually means that it may not happen anytime soon. Probably might not happen at all. Gosh, I just wanna confess my sins and hope that my tainted soul be cleansed off of the sins. I guess I will have to live as a sinner for a little longer then.

Tenth, there is no tenth. :)  

Chin Ang

26-03-2016

Happy Birthday to myself!

Going up the slope. 14.12.2015 1.14pm

I remember I used to like to complain about how not being a grown-up sucked.
I was too eager to be powerful and was tired of being weak. I was naive enough to think that growing up was the solution to put an end to it. Period.

Was not it natural for people to think so?
That's what the grown-ups always said: "you will know when you grow up!"
Well then, this was how I perceived it:
"The adults know things. They protect. Even when they fail to protect sometimes, still, they are protective. It means that they are not afraid. Not afraid of anything!......"

That was how I looked up to my mum and dad. So tough, almost indestructible.

As time passed, probably because of the insecurity created by the system, it took away my innocence by drawing me towards the life of an adult. Now, I am finally here, standing inside this imaginary box of the long waited status - adult. The ugly truth is, the life as a grown up is not like what I think it was. It is gruesome. And what's with the imaginary box? I thought it was supposed to protect me from harm. So now, should I just discard this imaginary box because it does not exist? I may as well crumble with it.

Guess I was wrong from the very beginning. Grown-ups are living every second with fear. They are more afraid than anybody else on this planet. They are not indestructible. In fact, they are more fragile than ever. And I am one of them now.

More responsibility, more burden, less security, less peacefulness..... actually sum up what a grown-up's life is. Sad but true. I get it now.

An adult. That's what the people see me as, atleast through their eyes it is true.
Is it?

My Recent Update!

It has been MORE THAN 1 YEAR!
Over the past year, a lot has happened to me, to my surrounding, and to those around me!
What happened has really really really changed me: I am so full of love!
It is a enormous transformation, and I have benefited a lot from it.
It is safe to say that I am finally HAPPY now!
After all being said and done, simple life like this is all I need.

I'd like to thank this blog for keeping me good company ever since 4 years ago.
I am amazed by how time really flies!
This exact moment is pretty much the same as the previous years.
The same challenges, level of stress, workload...
BUT it is so different now when my perspective, thinking and understanding have converged with the world.
I feel accepted, loved, blended in...

Feel a bit sorry for not letting people in my world any earlier!
It is a shame I don't have so many of you to be around to share my epic transformation.
I should have let people join my world and participate in my life journey.
(...to see how much I have grown, how strong I get, and how much burden I can carry with me.)
Thank you x infinity!

Still seeing those tortured souls wandering around me though.
I am trying hard to bring my light into their dark cold room of despair.
I may not be as warm as the sun, but I can bring light that outcasts the cloaking shadow that chokes them. Even if it does just a little.

I don't know how many times I am going to repeat this.
I am really happy and comfortable with myself now!
I just wanna tell you, you and you how great I am feeling.
After all, my hard work does pay off!
I worked hard to feel myself and maintain my sense of direction in the mist of chaos,
now I have gotten all I've wanted (in a realistic and attainable case), by walking out of it in one piece.
I know that adversities do strike from time to time to drag you and me down.
Just have a little patience, things will soon be over.
That's how I tell myself to keep holding on and breathing! 

Thank you, my old friends whom I have lost contact with.
Thank you, those acquaintances I made over the past 4 years.
Thank you, my current beloved friends.
You guys have no idea the life you all have given me, it is a fun ride!

More importantly, thanks my family who constantly show their care and affection (not to forget their support) to keep me going, walking and now running!
Finally, I want to thank myself for maintaining the utmost willingness to face ''life'' and embrace its perfection for being imperfect.

<3

Oct 6, 2015      Tuesday      11.30pm

9月17号 - 2014

一连三天。

好厌倦这种考试的日子。

真的很煎熬...

再给我一点时间

今天看到家人，
只是一两个小时。

家人一切都安好，
可是见到他们我的心却感到无比的痛,
不知道是自己真的很累了,
看到可以依靠的人，
却不敢上前去得到依靠。
还是看到家人真的变老了，
很心痛。

再给我几年的时间，
我会把家扛起来的。

二十年来

自认无情的我，
总是硬把自己塑造成一个冰冷的人。
殊不知，我也有这么一天。

连续快半年了，
终究不知道我哪里出了问题 。
是我压抑情感的系统产生故障了，
还是早已故障了的情感系统被打通了？

或许这一切只是个初老的现象，
没什么大不了。
也说明不了什么 。。

哪怕一堵堵坚硬的围墙也会抵挡不住岁月的摧残，
而面临崩塌的一天。
何况这只是一堵谈不上什么坚强的（心）墙？
我的(心）墙。

从来不知道与朋友短暂的离别可以令我如此揪心。
 才学到，
原来与朋友离别，
是可以多么的不舍。

谢谢你们让我学会了接受别人的存在感。

我无法开口对你们坦诚。
不过，
我还是有所行动的。
我把珍贵的情感通过文字记载下来。
希望哪一天，
你们看到了，
也知道我也是有感性的一面。

我想说，
渐渐的，
心扉打开了。

是时候准备学习接受不一样的情感了。

Homecoming

I am taking a risk. In returns, I hope the efforts will blossom and be fruitful. Stay tuned.

Darkness? Let's just say my clarity is clouded.

Hi, blog. It is between me and you again. I just hope you don't stay silent like you always do.

It terrifies me to suddenly find out that my hatred actually grows two folds. I am so horrified of thinking what kind of person I might become when this level of hatred eventually swallows me. A monster will be born.

I don't quite feel love anymore. I don't know how long I could suppress myself to hate. I know it is just a matter of time before I let the monster out of the cage. Even if I were the first person to be eaten alive for setting it free, I know I will be free from pain once and for all at the very least.

Regardless of how people giving "struggling" or "fighting" as the interpretation to "trying your best", either way they are gonna give in to fate. It is because the more the people try to lay a hand on fate, the more they are going to grow tired. They then surrender to fate even though they have choices. Why? Because seeking a glimpse of peacefulness is what all humans ever desire at the end of the day (as their last wish).

Know what? You and I should just learn to give up. Save the work already! We are stuck in the slides of our individual memories, you and I don't get to change a shit. We merely live in the slides being projected on the screen, neither do you live in the present. Because you are the past of your future living in a series of memory fragments painted on pictures projected in motion that are being played over and over again. It is a loop with no escapes, and of course things will happen and end the same in the loop!

...these written words are not opened for speculations. Making judgments won't do, as it definitely requires much efforts to understand them. Anyway, I am feeling all better now.

Numb!

Hey my dear blog! It is me again! It was a long day. Things didn't seem to go on smoothly lately but I didn't feel so bad about them. Well, it was untrue to say that they were not taking a heavy toll on me. It was just that I didn't feel the pain as much. Probably things like that could hit me a couple of times more. And I know I will be fine, because who knows how much a broken heart aches in pain can take. It gets numb. The fact that I am still able to feel, it tells me that misfortunes and sadness are damn real, and they may constantly visit and give me a slap in the face! 

I just need a hug. Any free hugs? Anybody...?

It is me alone again

I have finally got what I want. Money has been spent and time has been used up. Somehow I feel a little not being myself. Have a look at myself in the mirror, I am highly geared up, looking so cashy. This is not me. I abused 2 months of uncommitted life. I was supposed to try something different. 

All I have left is a mouthful of excuses. Some lies designed in an attempt to fool myself and others. How dare... People are not blind and dumb. They see everything and talk about it. I could have known this intuitively. Yet, I choose to cover my vision and block my hearing, pretending things would stay the way I wish. A bad choice.

Right now, there is no time for negativity. Hold my head up and have my actions kicked off. This is how I repay those who did good to me. It is okay to take two steps at a time, but only with careful planning and a strong unmovable heart. 

Elijan Owen, keep things up.

Just Like Crêpe!

You feel like a piece of shit when you are surrounded by crappy people.

I'm officially back to my little bloggie.
Thanks for being here for me after everything.

:-)

法国基佬

真的真的很反胃那死法国基佬。真的觉得他没有朋友。
难怪会跟其他男人到处乱搞，
搞到整个google都是他上"基"店的风光伟事。

拜托不要在我面前做死“法”佬的衰样。
忍了4个星期，我都快被他逼疯了！

还要忍多久啊！
面对这种思想变态 的人，
难道我只能去接受吗？

谁可以来把这个怪胎给收走。
收进葫芦也好，
拿去为鳄鱼是最好。

我憋到快爆炸了！
天啊。 =.= ''

发泄完毕。

黑暗

已经沉寂一段时间的“魔鬼”，又在最近复活了。

原本还以为自己早已脱离他的魔掌，结果我错了，他一直都存在着。。

所以，我决定不管了。

与其毫无方向的逃离，不如坚守岗位，把握时机来强化我的领土。

因此，当敌人再次入侵·时，我就有反抗的能力。

目前，就以防守为主吧。

此际，虽然心痛得很，却得一忍再忍。

(也该利用这次的教训来好好反省自己的疏忽，因为这些后果都是自找的。)

忍耐。静观其变。

【给白羊座的1封信】

白羊的人生可以用两个字概括：纠结。不管从哪一方面来说 白羊本身就是一个矛盾的个体。与白羊相恋须知：1.很慢热 我很冷漠 2.很直接 讨厌转弯 3.不喜欢说话 也不喜欢你太吵 4.喜欢自由的感觉 讨厌啰嗦 5.心智很成熟 看事很透彻 6.很绝 7.需要行动证明你爱我。
　　
你的一点关心，心思细腻的白羊会记得你对他的好，把自己的爱毫无保留的送给你，白羊是不被了解的，可他们不会怨谁。他们会傻傻的认为，让我承担吧，别让别人也受到伤害。所以，别让他们最有魅力的笑容成为掩饰痛苦的伪装，认真爱白羊。你会知道白羊的爱，是充满泪水的。
　　
羊羊内心都很善良很柔软。羊羊内在的感性绝对不会亚于双鱼，羊羊真的是毫无心机地活在这个世界上，TA善良得如此无私，往往让人觉得不真实。TA很怕很 怕被人误解，尤其是被自己在乎的人误解。羊羊其实本身真的很正直，确实耍不来心机，即使不被理解，被误解，也依旧试着解释。
　　
白羊的反击力很强，吵架的时侯，羊羊可能会说一些很让人伤心的话，相信我，羊羊真的不是故意的，那是TA的直觉反应，吵架就是要吵赢嘛！羊羊很可能一说出口就 后悔了，可是经常很难拉下脸来，衷心的道歉。不要跟白羊生气，放TA一马我保证TA心里会很感激，对你加倍的好。
　　
羊很懒，不想活得那麽累，能简单尽量简单，不爱解释，始终认为懂自己的不用解释，不懂自己的不必解释，不相管那麽多不相干的事，TA们只挑自己爱做的事，要么不做，要做就做到最好，其实羊羊也是完美主义者，极端主义者，要么破碎，要么完美，不要中间
　　
白羊座，对好朋友可以很热情，乱七八糟聊个不停，对比较普通的朋友很冷淡，聊不上几句就沉默。羊羊很珍惜对他/她好的朋友，TA感觉是坏的，便有意疏离。羊羊的普通朋友很多，好朋友没几个。羊羊很孤独，常常自己一个人，一个人吃饭，一个人上学，一个人逛街，一个人发呆。
　　
白羊真的没办法一心二用，聊手机时会把电影暂停，工作时不知道听的是哪首歌，思考时不知道你在说的什么，因为羊羊的注意力只能集中在其中之一，白羊们更不会去花心，因为羊羊喜欢简单，脚踩两条船对羊羊而言是非常麻烦及复杂的事情，羊羊懒得去做，因为羊羊真的很懒。

To Myself

Old song, old days, old memory, old dream...

Where was the guy from those days?

He is never back anymore.

"And it's hard for me to lose in my life
I've found outside your skin right near the fire
That we can baby
We can change and feel alright"

It is a cycle.

Things always happen the way they should. Nobody has the power to exert control over the occurrences. As minute and powerless beings living in the vast universe, we know we can do nothing more about the chaos. So, silently and helplessly, we choose to back off and expect their next visit. We wait. Waiting desperately in a suppressed feeling over the approaching doom. Painfully, it is probably as much we can do about it.

As wind, they come and go. They, sometimes, bring a layer of dirt that covers your territory of domicile, transforming your home into an eyesore so effortlessly. Sometimes, they bring water vapour that is so refreshing, saving you a smile for the day. Whatever they cause and bring along on their visit, a small level of damage is left behind. Corrosion, rusting, deterioration and wear off  are only some minor effects of the entire process might ultimately bring.

Yet, to sit back and observe the process to take place, is by far the most rational way to deal with it. Aint we all eventually learn to accept at the final stage of grief and loss?

Mar - A remembrance

24号8月2013 - 一些从不说出口的内心话

朋友的毕业典礼。。。一张张快乐的照片。。。。一些曾经认识，但却不常说话的朋友。。。

这样的夜晚，看着学长上载的照片，不禁鼻酸起来。我真的疯了，越老越感性。朋友毕业了，即使不熟却有点不舍得起来。毕竟，这些年一个人在外头为追梦而奋斗，这一张张面孔一丝丝记忆已经成为我成长的一部分。 3年了。这3年你们都在我的脑海里不时出现。这么一别，真的觉得大家各奔前程，个忙各的了。

再过一两年， 就是与我非常熟悉的战友的毕业典礼。是否会有更深的感触？我知道，我一定会有。这里是一个非常奇妙的地方，它弥补了我已经错过了的童年和少年的疯狂记忆。我的蜕变。。也是在这里被社会，人群和考验洗礼后而产生的。大家毕业后，我正式少了我的“记忆工厂。”  

无法忘记第一个月见到他们时，我是一个生涩的新生！哈哈。NOOB到～～ 还记得一个人快病死在这里。。。哈哈，自Hi了～ 我终于成为一个有记忆的人了，原来有属于自己的记忆后滋味是这么幸福，幸福中却带有一丝丝的苦涩。这种苦涩也衬托出别段记忆中的快感和甜蜜

但愿命运让我们来日再相逢。
（如果成为我的对手，我会狠心的杀无赦 ：） 学长也不例外）

记忆。感谢。朋友。祝福。

M-ess-ish.

The stupidity of humans lies upon their unwillingness to face the reality. The stupidest 5-combo lies ever.