Adversity

I dont want to accept failure, even though it is a part of life.
Once it is accepted, it will become a part of me.

I believe fear, loneliness and emptiness are the three scariest things on Earth.

See? This is me.

Almost killed myself with the insect repellent mistakenly thought was the hair spray.

My Pathetic Wish

Now I have clearly seen who is trustworthy and who is wicked and evil.....

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That day, after months of not meeting each other in the campus, an international student spoke with me.

She told me that I had changed so much, that I was no longer the person I was.

She said that, few months ago, I was so ambitious and excited about my future.

There was nothing could demotivate me from moving forward.

I was so passionate about what I was doing!

My heart broke into pieces when she even said that with her facial expression like seeing a ghost.

For God sake, please do not do that to me again. I only have one heart to take such attack.

I suppressed my feeling, with my smile still on my lips but walked away quietly.

She called me, but all I heard was nothing but noise.

I knew everything about me had changed dramatically.

Physically, I was no longer looking like a 16. Instead I looked like a 24 year-old now! LMAO?

Funnily, 16 was my age in the eyes of the people earlier.

I was much older than 16, but not as old as 24...

Emotionally, I did not feel the excitement in my life anymore.

All I thought was, being healthy and safe, atleast not in pain,

and let life slipped away as it always did was already cool enough.

I had had enough of troubles lately. So sick of taking them endlessly.

Lost! I knew I had lost my direction. No more ambition, no longer being so badass.

Mentally, I just felt so tired.

I did not want to think. In fact, I couldn't, I was so distracted by the happenings...

All I knew was that, thinking or fighting was meaningless,

what for to struggle if being a loser was preordained?

I walked away, not because I pissed at her. No.

I was just fed up on kept pretending that I was the same me, when I obviously did not look like...

I bet this was what she wanted to end our conversation with that day -
''Your perception about life turned one hundred and eighty degrees in just few months''.

But I never let her did it anyway, I was just too busy to try to find an escape.

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Right now, I just need one friend, sitting down and listening to my problem.

Can you be the one...doing it just once...for me?

Risk Taker

Going to school unprepared on Monday is like having unprotected sex with strangers.

Listening to 90's songs, bringing back to old memories.
Looking at myself now, seeing no future.

Feeling so empty.

Buddy, I am still Sane... :D

I don't update my blog merely for the sake of keeping it alive.

Just want to make it clear that, it was dead since it was started.

It is not a living thing, it doesn't have a life. And doesn't need one either.

Back to the subject, despite all the laughs and jokes, I am not much of a true me when I am around.

Deep inside, I am stressed, depressed and disappointed.

Instead of saying Me keeping the blog alive, I would rather say it sustains me the life force.

Channeling me the energy to live happier and has become my refuge of disaster.

We are all alone in this World.

You might not agree with this statement when you first read it.

Think carefully, see clearly and feel thoroughly about it for a second time.

Isn't it true that we are trained to be alone since young? Being told to be independent?

It has been a protocol that is unconsciously understood and implemented in our lives.

The presence of loneliness has been accepted and treated as normal.

Like blood, it is flowing in our arteries, circulating through our body systems.

Only if you are denial, I believe you know you are too, drowning in loneliness like I am.

It is hard to prove the significance of blogging in my life.

It is the perfect place to share my grief and agony when nobody is around.

I need no hardcore readers.

People are too busy to in their lives to spend a minute to the understand the issue being discussed here.

They are too, sometimes, too shallow to be able to grasp the essence of each word.

They do not need my blog, because it does not seem "nutritious" with too much of unconstructive thoughts written.

I hope, a real friend, by any chance pass by my blog one day, will read between the lines,

digesting each word that I have written.

Free | Man | Now

I have been selfish for thinking that I am the one facing problem.
We all are problem takers. Nobody wants to be one if choice is given.

Mortal Wound

The injury has already left a wound. 

There is nothing much can be done, other than focusing on healing the wound.

One has to understand that, even if the wound was perfectly healed, it would leave a scar behind.

Unless you are taking the intrusive approach to remove the ugly scar surgically and leaving another new scar,

the old ugly scar will forever follow you .

It either fades away through the course of time or gets worse when lacking of care.

What is there will still be there.

While busy looking into the future, never forget to have a clear picture of the current condition.

Always take the worse-case-scenario into account, as you will never know if the wound were a deadly and unhealable one. 

Sometimes what that kills you is not the scar that disturbs you. 

It is the inability to recover during the healing process.

Grey's Anatomy

Alex: George is dead, Izzie is gone. We are all different, we are all different.

Stop It "I"

"I", why me?
For God sake, gimme a break.

For The Part of Me Being Taken Away

Life is unpredictable and it always comes as a surprise.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day and I spent the rest of my day grieving over that moment.

It was a short moment of just 90 minutes that completely erased my confidence.

Today, as usual, happened to be a hopeless morning which I resisted to enter the day.

I barely convinced myself to take my first step to the road of recovery.

On facing the attack of fear and dilemma, there was a voice of responsibility whispering in my ear.

Constantly warned  me not to be easily defeated by disappointment. 

Saying life is comparable to the trip to the mountain top in which the danger ahead is not anticipated.

It is the adventure to success with no clear clue as what is coming next and how far one will take to the submit.

In such a situation, a compass that symbolizes hope and ambition is the key factor that bring you further.

Yet, one should not be over-excited about the possession of this little tool.

Although it helps determining which path to be taken, it also brings the malicious possibility to guide him to the opposite way. 
It does not always lead the user to the correct path after all.

Without careful thinking and the analytical mind that responds cleverly to the ever-changing and turbulent environment, it can lead you to the place of no return.

No need to worry. It rarely happens though because one usually has given up before reaching that place.

The voice then faded away with the intense tone, concerning the stupidity and weaknesses in human beings, with a sense of sarcasm about how they struggled to take a breath of fresh air.

The voice caused me a minute of quiet thinking.

It triggered me a moment of reflection of what happened yesterday and how I handled the dealings.

While busy figuring  the many solutions and reasons to numerous doubts and questions, I decided to put on my T and walked down the road of uncertainty.

Before departing from the current checkpoint, I warned myself that lightning would always strike the same place twice and look before I leap in a situation where nobody watches my back for me.

Put An End, or Stop It Just For A Second

After everything I finally see the bigger picture, that is everything starts with "I" is bad. For god sake, those people are fake. Fake and fake. Their evil smile omg. Gross!!!!!!! Life is not fair. People are smarter and working harder but they only deserve blame or being the scapegoat. I am so fed up. Why why and why. Why they live better when they are so evil. And the kind is taking the pain results from their action. This is simply unfair. The world turn them behind without even know the pain they are taking. Oh god....

Still in love with that place

God, I only find peace through you. Please calm my quick-tempered heart. I want to have a good heart that responds to beautiful thing. I want to see the pretty stuffs along the journey to to my dream. Let the good things catch my eyes and numb me from the burning pain of this cruel reality. Please pave the path that leads me to your dreamland.

Sway to the rhythm of inner peace

For the one whole day, my spirit was burning with fire, my heart was pounding strongly & my speech was flowing like pouring rain. Everything happened in an extreme manner. Thing came to me unexpectedly and I dealt with it unprepared. Too many things happened in this messed up day. Tonight, I would like to find some inner peace from the rhythm of James Ingram.

Grudges That Uproot Humanity

People nowadays are getting so cold and distant. The people have changed me so deeply. I just discover that they are the people I am living with all this while. How unbelievable, it is cruel to know this after  decades!

I know I am not supposed to hate them, but the level of hatred is so high that I want to rip their hearts out.  What is driving them to do it until this extend? Their humanity and consciousness have really gone! Forever!

I just do not understand why are they willing to do this when the people around are innocent and have nothing to do with them. Just where the hell the civilization go? 

God please forgive my sin and bring me out of this place. I don't want to be changed. I want to stay as who I am. The surrounding here is so cruel and inconducive. And so unhealthy!!

I Know You Will Backbite Me. Do It. HE Is Watching You.

A group that does not do work is fine. A group that does not do work and ask you to do the work in the middle of night when the submission is just few hours away is not fine at all. The worst is, they try to get to me through Facebook..... and not my phone. They have their phone switched off too when I try to call and ask them what I can help. Calling themselves seniors is seriously a joke for a junior like me. Nevermind, I am not gonna do it anyway even though I am affected by it too. Life aint perfect, so why not put a smile on my face and let it be. :)

I can't be perfect, and the whole World is telling me not to be a perfectionist because it will tire me and not change the fact that I am still a mortal body. I feel like completing their work now because I have few more hours to go before the final submission. Then, I am a step nearer to perfection. By doing this, I can complete the work you cannot finish and I do not have to suffer the consequence caused by you. This is a group work AFTER ALL! But no way this time, I ain't robot, I have to learn to let it go. I did not learn it for the past few years, and I actually suffered for it. Now, this is the second chance given to learn. I make sure I learn from it.

I have limited time. You have been selfish for so long. At 1am, in the exam period, through Facebook and not phone. No proper message written, no direction given, not even my call is answered. Your selfishness is giving me a cruel night of dilemma, devouring me from the inside forcing me to LEARN to go through the moment like this... ...