Overlook or choose to turn a blind eye?

I lost sth which I thought absolutely important to me and grieved over it. What I didn't see was what I had obtained all this while.

圣诞快乐！

哇！我真的真的真的真的很幸福！
感谢主！哈里路亚！

Do you know how does it feel when you are so heartbroken to the point that you wanna end your own life?

Before Losing Hope.

I was not into talking for days after the the invasion of fever, headache, cough, runny nose, sore throat...
Today, when I wanted to read some sentences aloud, my vocal cord failed me!
It couldnt produce voice, the harder I pushed myself, the more painful it got.
............................................................................................................................................................
Right now, I feel so dizzy. I know that I have to get some sleep in order to make a quick recovery.
But I cannot fall asleep. My brain has too much to worry. I am stressed.
It is thinking of every single stuff ranging from school to just anything...
I am on my bed for so many days.My groupmates start to judge me that I am not performing.
What about the replacement class? Will I be able to get the attendance this time?..
The probelms are crushing me. How should I deal with them? Where should I begin with?

This time, music does not play its role anymore.
And I can tell no one about my problem.

I have to release the pressure and fear by all means.
I know I have to share it out through blogging.
I know I have to pray hard and have faith.

只剩下一个病人和一张床

连续病了4天，明天就是第5天了。我一定要好起来。
再过3天就是考试天，还没有碰到一页课本。
真的顺其自然自然吧，都快病死了。。
真的很疲倦的身躯。。。。。。
就算再不舒服，到了学校，还是一样要装得很活泼健康。
去年发高烧，一个小时内跑了诊所和医院，两边都验出我体温39点多度。
却没有医生为我开MC。医生拒绝了我的要求，说我回家休息一晚明天就康复了。
一个晚上一共花了近500快。

我一定要更坚强。
世上很多事，真的不简单。。。。。。。

Not as easy as that...

My whole body shuts down for 4 days.
How am I gonna prepare for my coming tests?

An Awe-inspiring Story

I once argued with an american with Phd about fate.
I said I never believed in fate in my whole life.
As I was so down, I revealed my feeling throughout the debate.
She was a phychologist anyway.
She analyzed every single word that came from me.

Her analysis showed that I had myself contradicted.
I had no clue where was I wrong initially.
She then told me a story from the Holy Bible.
The lesson from the story: Life is meaningful, believe in fate but one have to work out.

伴随我多年的歌曲，在脑海挥之不去的旋律。

一首首充满回忆的歌。。。

这样....也不错。

每次看到这种令人痒眼的一幕，内心总是充满着难受的滋味。

总会十分心酸的问自己，我何时也能像别人一样拥有这一切呢？

Same side of the moon

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

Moments Like Now

It am so upset today. Feeling so helpless and discouraged.
Despite listening to the motivational words from others again and again,
the sadness is not cast away.
I dont know how long I would take to go through this.
I dont have faith in myself that I will survive this.

Not this time, the vengeful corpse.

I have got to treasure my limited time. It is too late to shut the stable door has the horse has bolted.

YOLO!

The b1tches are blogging their joyful stories.
Me? I'm being such a crybaby congesting my blog with the yesteryear's nobody-seem-to-care story!

T.T

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 
Ray Lebron! Live up your life dude!!!
Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray....!

Ray!! Ray!!!!!!!!!

The Obnoxious Formless Monster

The rowdiness of the surrounding does not seem to cease to exist. Enigmatically, the days are not all fretful. Instead, they are getting quiet and quiet. Things are getting black and white. There is no longer a grey zone for the cowards to find a shelter. The silent killer is at the upper hand. He is taking the form of air and on his way of reaching you. With his weapon about the size of a 4-inch knife, he is facing the point of it and aiming for the back of the 'homeless' for a deadly stab. When he does so, it does not require him too much of energy and time and the targeted prey will be silent forever.
 .......................................................................................................................
The people and things do not seem to change much. Once in a while, the uninvited guests intrude the secret bases of the 'homeless'. The bases are the place where they have their souls safely kept and secured. Although their inner peace is disturbed but the consequence does not bring much damage to the already suffered souls. 

 

The Late Call...

Many things have happened lately. They are the things that are happening in the family, troubles that are fumbling my steps forward, and the great emotional impact caused by my incapability and incompetency. The feelings are indeed hurting. Fortunate enough, I am still a freeman, without ''somebody'' beside me which allows me to concentrate on my shortcomings. I am too weak to take care of the extra worries. I have changed anyway. Even though the likelihood of experiencing adversities does not change, but I believe I am taking small steps to leave the negativity.

I always thought that I was at the receiving end of many misfortunes. Today, while I was busy holding grudges against the so ''mechanical'' management. I swore, cursed and badmouthed about it from the dawn until late evening. These actions were so childish, and unthoughtful. I hated myself. I should be stronger! Too much of stupidity,  I dialed the first person in my phone's scarce contacts. I dialed once, twice and trice...nobody seemed to picked up my call. Subsequently, I had a deep feelings that the World was turning its back at me, I was not upset by this, instead my anger grew stronger. Perhaps hatred or jealousy was the more suitable term to give you a clearer picture. 

While I gave my final attempt to get myself connected to the other end(I say so because I am very lonely most of the time), a familiar yet nostalgic voice answered my ''Hello.'' As I was getting colder and more distant with a sense of anxiousness, the voice instilled warmth to my stiff and darken heart. Tears almost welled up my eyes. Despite this, I heard from the other side that unhappiness was spreading like cancer cells over there. The cells were duplicating itself uncontrollably affecting from a just small spot to a wider area and killing the host eventually. I had a heart-brake when I received the news........

The news had coloured my feelings, I felt myself so foolish and unthoughful about how I complained, hated and hurt others. I was never a good son, brother, friend and student. A loser, I would say about me.

I really hoped everything would stay the same as it was, when we were sitting side my side with everyone important to me having each other accompanied, enjoying the brisk breeze while walking on the grass field so slowly and relaxing, watching the colourful flowers that colonized the lower slope and feeling our long lost heartbeats......... I love you all.

On My Way

Many crystal hearts cracked, some even broke into fragments.
Why didn't somebody show up and fix them in a timely manner?

I feel extremely bad today but I know I have to be strong.
I know I need to learn from it and then overcome it.
For my own sake, I need to overcome it before solving it.

I know I can overcome it. I know that I can...

Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.

I have to admit that I am surrounded by lesbians and gays.

Stop frightening me

Have been receiving some weird invitations for days.

There is a time and season for everything

It may be a time of new beginnings, a time of growth, a time of reaping the harvest of hard work, or a time of rest. Trust this beautiful order. Everything in its time.

The Encouragement

She saw me behaved like a zombie that day. She never knew I could be so down ever. She attempted to understand my problem but I knew she wouldn't be able to even if I told her my story. So I remained silent.
Few minutes had passed, before leaving, she took out a candy from her bag and gave it to me. I didn't want it at first because I had not been eating it for years. But I kept it at last due to her insistence.

Maybe like they said, I was so senseless. I didn't know the reason behind the candy given to me. But I guess I know it now.

I have not given up on myself.

The whole world can look down on me. People can hate me but I wont give up on myself. When everyone is putting me in comparison with others, they forget that I am still good in my way. It is unfair to be judged and compared by your way. I will not live with your criticism forever. I'll make sure that you eat your own word and regret about your despicable action today.

It's my own fault for putting myself in a safe position too long. While others was taking time improving, trying to adapt to the turbulent environment, i was too busy enjoying my life. I just realized that i have been stagnant for quite a while. I'll be competent again someday. And I'll prove to the people that I'm not the old dog.

I always have tricks up my sleeve.

Face it!

I'll stop dreaming!

No citation, sorry.

“温水煮青蛙”来源于19世纪末美国康奈尔大学科学家做过的一个“水煮青蛙实验”。科学家将青蛙投入已经煮沸的开水中时，青蛙因受不了突入其来的高温刺激立即奋力从开水中跳出来得以成功逃生。当科研人员把青蛙先放入装着冷水的容器中，然后再加热，结果就不一样了。青蛙反倒因为开始时水温的舒适而在水中悠然自得。当青蛙发现无法忍受高温时，已经心有余而力不足了，不知不觉被煮死在热水中。赞同支持观点这个道理告诉人不能失去奋斗冲劲。

這個實驗也表明了，在我們現實生活當中。我們人類的生活太過於安於現狀。總覺得現在的生活可以過的很好，但未來確是未必。當整個世界慢慢的改變時，我們就好像正在處於一鍋的冷水慢慢的煮沸一樣，不知不覺自己怎麼被淘汰我們並不知道，就好像那隻青蛙被煮死在熱水噹中。

所以，您要選擇怎樣的人生呢？有一個網友這麼說到【你今天做的选择可能是会决定你将来的生活,如果你回想了,你还停留在你3年前的思想,地位.做的东西还是一样,那你接下来3年你还是会做同样的事情,你也会同样的安于现状,怪别人不给你机会,上天不公平,工作时间长,薪水少,没有关于任何改变生活的课程,认为投资都会亏钱,认为做一辈子的工作就能过一生.教育下一代努力读书,替别人打工赚钱,怪政府无能,油价乱起,物价飙涨,屋价起,朋友赚钱是干瞪眼,年纪轻轻架豪华车时必定说是父母买给他们的...这就是人的本性.......安于现状。有人说过：人的一生只能活一次 , 如果明知道会后悔还不去尝试 , 哭的是自己 】

You tell me!

If this is the case, what else can I do? Nobody is born to be perfect.

Out of Reach

I see them.
I feel them.

..But I cannot reach them.

Adversity

I dont want to accept failure, even though it is a part of life.
Once it is accepted, it will become a part of me.

I believe fear, loneliness and emptiness are the three scariest things on Earth.

See? This is me.

Almost killed myself with the insect repellent mistakenly thought was the hair spray.

My Pathetic Wish

Now I have clearly seen who is trustworthy and who is wicked and evil.....

..........................................................................................................................................................

That day, after months of not meeting each other in the campus, an international student spoke with me.

She told me that I had changed so much, that I was no longer the person I was.

She said that, few months ago, I was so ambitious and excited about my future.

There was nothing could demotivate me from moving forward.

I was so passionate about what I was doing!

My heart broke into pieces when she even said that with her facial expression like seeing a ghost.

For God sake, please do not do that to me again. I only have one heart to take such attack.

I suppressed my feeling, with my smile still on my lips but walked away quietly.

She called me, but all I heard was nothing but noise.

I knew everything about me had changed dramatically.

Physically, I was no longer looking like a 16. Instead I looked like a 24 year-old now! LMAO?

Funnily, 16 was my age in the eyes of the people earlier.

I was much older than 16, but not as old as 24...

Emotionally, I did not feel the excitement in my life anymore.

All I thought was, being healthy and safe, atleast not in pain,

and let life slipped away as it always did was already cool enough.

I had had enough of troubles lately. So sick of taking them endlessly.

Lost! I knew I had lost my direction. No more ambition, no longer being so badass.

Mentally, I just felt so tired.

I did not want to think. In fact, I couldn't, I was so distracted by the happenings...

All I knew was that, thinking or fighting was meaningless,

what for to struggle if being a loser was preordained?

I walked away, not because I pissed at her. No.

I was just fed up on kept pretending that I was the same me, when I obviously did not look like...

I bet this was what she wanted to end our conversation with that day -
''Your perception about life turned one hundred and eighty degrees in just few months''.

But I never let her did it anyway, I was just too busy to try to find an escape.

..........................................................................................................................................................

Right now, I just need one friend, sitting down and listening to my problem.

Can you be the one...doing it just once...for me?

Risk Taker

Going to school unprepared on Monday is like having unprotected sex with strangers.

Listening to 90's songs, bringing back to old memories.
Looking at myself now, seeing no future.

Feeling so empty.

Buddy, I am still Sane... :D

I don't update my blog merely for the sake of keeping it alive.

Just want to make it clear that, it was dead since it was started.

It is not a living thing, it doesn't have a life. And doesn't need one either.

Back to the subject, despite all the laughs and jokes, I am not much of a true me when I am around.

Deep inside, I am stressed, depressed and disappointed.

Instead of saying Me keeping the blog alive, I would rather say it sustains me the life force.

Channeling me the energy to live happier and has become my refuge of disaster.

We are all alone in this World.

You might not agree with this statement when you first read it.

Think carefully, see clearly and feel thoroughly about it for a second time.

Isn't it true that we are trained to be alone since young? Being told to be independent?

It has been a protocol that is unconsciously understood and implemented in our lives.

The presence of loneliness has been accepted and treated as normal.

Like blood, it is flowing in our arteries, circulating through our body systems.

Only if you are denial, I believe you know you are too, drowning in loneliness like I am.

It is hard to prove the significance of blogging in my life.

It is the perfect place to share my grief and agony when nobody is around.

I need no hardcore readers.

People are too busy to in their lives to spend a minute to the understand the issue being discussed here.

They are too, sometimes, too shallow to be able to grasp the essence of each word.

They do not need my blog, because it does not seem "nutritious" with too much of unconstructive thoughts written.

I hope, a real friend, by any chance pass by my blog one day, will read between the lines,

digesting each word that I have written.

Free | Man | Now

I have been selfish for thinking that I am the one facing problem.
We all are problem takers. Nobody wants to be one if choice is given.

Mortal Wound

The injury has already left a wound. 

There is nothing much can be done, other than focusing on healing the wound.

One has to understand that, even if the wound was perfectly healed, it would leave a scar behind.

Unless you are taking the intrusive approach to remove the ugly scar surgically and leaving another new scar,

the old ugly scar will forever follow you .

It either fades away through the course of time or gets worse when lacking of care.

What is there will still be there.

While busy looking into the future, never forget to have a clear picture of the current condition.

Always take the worse-case-scenario into account, as you will never know if the wound were a deadly and unhealable one. 

Sometimes what that kills you is not the scar that disturbs you. 

It is the inability to recover during the healing process.

Grey's Anatomy

Alex: George is dead, Izzie is gone. We are all different, we are all different.

Stop It "I"

"I", why me?
For God sake, gimme a break.

For The Part of Me Being Taken Away

Life is unpredictable and it always comes as a surprise.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day and I spent the rest of my day grieving over that moment.

It was a short moment of just 90 minutes that completely erased my confidence.

Today, as usual, happened to be a hopeless morning which I resisted to enter the day.

I barely convinced myself to take my first step to the road of recovery.

On facing the attack of fear and dilemma, there was a voice of responsibility whispering in my ear.

Constantly warned  me not to be easily defeated by disappointment. 

Saying life is comparable to the trip to the mountain top in which the danger ahead is not anticipated.

It is the adventure to success with no clear clue as what is coming next and how far one will take to the submit.

In such a situation, a compass that symbolizes hope and ambition is the key factor that bring you further.

Yet, one should not be over-excited about the possession of this little tool.

Although it helps determining which path to be taken, it also brings the malicious possibility to guide him to the opposite way. 
It does not always lead the user to the correct path after all.

Without careful thinking and the analytical mind that responds cleverly to the ever-changing and turbulent environment, it can lead you to the place of no return.

No need to worry. It rarely happens though because one usually has given up before reaching that place.

The voice then faded away with the intense tone, concerning the stupidity and weaknesses in human beings, with a sense of sarcasm about how they struggled to take a breath of fresh air.

The voice caused me a minute of quiet thinking.

It triggered me a moment of reflection of what happened yesterday and how I handled the dealings.

While busy figuring  the many solutions and reasons to numerous doubts and questions, I decided to put on my T and walked down the road of uncertainty.

Before departing from the current checkpoint, I warned myself that lightning would always strike the same place twice and look before I leap in a situation where nobody watches my back for me.

Put An End, or Stop It Just For A Second

After everything I finally see the bigger picture, that is everything starts with "I" is bad. For god sake, those people are fake. Fake and fake. Their evil smile omg. Gross!!!!!!! Life is not fair. People are smarter and working harder but they only deserve blame or being the scapegoat. I am so fed up. Why why and why. Why they live better when they are so evil. And the kind is taking the pain results from their action. This is simply unfair. The world turn them behind without even know the pain they are taking. Oh god....

Still in love with that place

God, I only find peace through you. Please calm my quick-tempered heart. I want to have a good heart that responds to beautiful thing. I want to see the pretty stuffs along the journey to to my dream. Let the good things catch my eyes and numb me from the burning pain of this cruel reality. Please pave the path that leads me to your dreamland.

Sway to the rhythm of inner peace

For the one whole day, my spirit was burning with fire, my heart was pounding strongly & my speech was flowing like pouring rain. Everything happened in an extreme manner. Thing came to me unexpectedly and I dealt with it unprepared. Too many things happened in this messed up day. Tonight, I would like to find some inner peace from the rhythm of James Ingram.

Grudges That Uproot Humanity

People nowadays are getting so cold and distant. The people have changed me so deeply. I just discover that they are the people I am living with all this while. How unbelievable, it is cruel to know this after  decades!

I know I am not supposed to hate them, but the level of hatred is so high that I want to rip their hearts out.  What is driving them to do it until this extend? Their humanity and consciousness have really gone! Forever!

I just do not understand why are they willing to do this when the people around are innocent and have nothing to do with them. Just where the hell the civilization go? 

God please forgive my sin and bring me out of this place. I don't want to be changed. I want to stay as who I am. The surrounding here is so cruel and inconducive. And so unhealthy!!

I Know You Will Backbite Me. Do It. HE Is Watching You.

A group that does not do work is fine. A group that does not do work and ask you to do the work in the middle of night when the submission is just few hours away is not fine at all. The worst is, they try to get to me through Facebook..... and not my phone. They have their phone switched off too when I try to call and ask them what I can help. Calling themselves seniors is seriously a joke for a junior like me. Nevermind, I am not gonna do it anyway even though I am affected by it too. Life aint perfect, so why not put a smile on my face and let it be. :)

I can't be perfect, and the whole World is telling me not to be a perfectionist because it will tire me and not change the fact that I am still a mortal body. I feel like completing their work now because I have few more hours to go before the final submission. Then, I am a step nearer to perfection. By doing this, I can complete the work you cannot finish and I do not have to suffer the consequence caused by you. This is a group work AFTER ALL! But no way this time, I ain't robot, I have to learn to let it go. I did not learn it for the past few years, and I actually suffered for it. Now, this is the second chance given to learn. I make sure I learn from it.

I have limited time. You have been selfish for so long. At 1am, in the exam period, through Facebook and not phone. No proper message written, no direction given, not even my call is answered. Your selfishness is giving me a cruel night of dilemma, devouring me from the inside forcing me to LEARN to go through the moment like this... ...

Stranded Here In Nothingness

Tragically, our love has died.

The melody

I know I do in this silent night.

The Return - From Serenity

This is the typical moment whereby the feeling as a lone traveller hits. Although I spent my time doing thing irrelevant to what I was supposed to do, I believe my wound was healing during the period. It finally began to heal....not physically but emotionally. The free time I used for relax will help me to get ready to challenges await.

Need, Not Want.

Listing down all random thoughts, staring at the screen for a while and making a conclusion:

I do not have a sense of belonging. It basically explains everything.

How? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how? how?

I do not know how! What to do? Where to start?

At home nobody stands up for me.

Outside, it is a living hell.

Friends are just programmed robots.

My circle of friends? When do I even have one?

At work, live or die is the only thing matters. Friendship comes last, they say. Proven, true.

I only belong to my room. In my room, there is just me.

Sense of belonging? Yes, an empty room.

I am all calmed whenever I write my blog.*

Do not call me to ask whether I have committed suicide. It happened before*

Some Random Thoughts

• I have 60 drafts. Mostly are what I reverted to draft after posting. 
• I feel myself stupid.
• I am killing my own image.
• I have limitation.
• My confidence does not last longer.
• I am bound to live following others instruction.
• I can't be a leader yet? Or I am just too afraid to be one? The word 'Useless' comes through my mind.
• Unbalanced.
• I brake others heart while busy complaining how people brake my heart.
• Do I have a friend?
• Laziness got me.
• Embarrassment blows me miles away. How to live in embarrassment?
• I want to end it.
• I am tired. I need a rest. A holiday.
• I know I can go further. I've stopped at two steps away from the starting point.
• Why am I stagnant?
• Am I telling what is happening in life or just being pessimistic?
• My mind is terminally ill.
• People are always seemed perfect to me. Do they see me that way as well? No.
• Can I have a day of rest. Want to be free from this messed up life.
• I have changed my perception of life greatly. Everything seems not right now.
• I used to passionate about what I do. No more now. I don't even know why am I here.
• I laugh more than I did. Do not feel happier. 
• I feel lifeless and numb everyday.
• Guess I am zombifying.
• How to push the limit when you know it is your limit?
• Sarcasm yeah thing that keeps me alive. It tells the truth.
• Lonewalker does not mean one is able to survive alone. It means survive and suffering(rotting) alone.
• Headache.
• My heart is braking. So hurt deep inside.
• Keep on telling myself to get stronger. The more I do, the deeper I sink. To where? Sorrow.
• People face the same problem? Or they really live better and happier? Or I am just discontented?
• Too ambitious. People's expectations and criticisms. Comparisons kill me.

Before late.

Precious one, dont ever leave me.

S.H.E

I am thinking too much. Time to get some sleep.

Don't ever dream about it again. Think from the correct perspective. Or just don't think....

Ultimate Shame

Finally I am done with the conflict and immaturity. I feel better now. I learn the lesson that life is not all perfect. When I work with people, I should not just do the work nicely. Instead, I need to follow the culture. That is the culture of group to keep quiet and pretend nothing has happened while busy posting their happy life pictures on Facebook.....with many likes and HAHA as comments. Haha They are still quiet, I now know that I am weak, and they are even weaker. This semester totally changes my perspective about color. I am being color blind for so many years, I start to see color lately. Lots of disappointments.... but it opens my eyes.
Remember to follow the culture, if they are corrupted, follow it! Corruption makes you perfect! People love to see you corrupted as well. Live life with success!

Color Matters NOW

Being color blind for so many years, I start to see color today.

No Doubt, They start with 'I'.

I used to think that having my skin tanned was cool. The thinking had psychologically influenced me to approach those whom I thought they were cool. Now, I know my perception was damn wrong and the people just made me gross. The further descriptions about them are as follow:

• Selfish
• Stingy
• Dirty
• Stupid
• Immoral
• Ego

With these 'remarkable' characteristics, they successfully created fake identity, whereby everything you knew about them was fake. For example, they came to you and made the face as though they were friends and started all the lies. If religion was this powerful to you, why were you behaving this way? GOD was watching you from the above. It was better if you just shut the hell up, instead of saying those insincerely.

I just do not get it when these people always talk about doing good deeds, following religious rules and reducing sins. You will think they are holy when you make acquaintance with them because they sound like a saint. At the back, they just do any unnecessary sins. They are willing to lie because it is fun, to pretend because it is fun and to strip because it is fun. Just for fun? Use your sin to do something big then, pointless to play this stupid pointless game, right? Basically, what mentioned above is their culture. Very impressive culture.

If I were you, I would not be this stupid, I would lie for wealth, fame and status. Am I not saying this appropriately? You are already making sin, no harm making a good sin, right?

Mostly What I Need From You.

....................................................................................................

I have been looking for the key everywhere. 

If lost, it will be a night with no shelter.

Someone just asks me to knock the door and he will open for me.

Why is he being nice to me? I do not have the key!

No....I am going to find it before the sky turns black. 

I cannot get in the house without the key!
.................................................................................................... 

(If you were there, would you ask him to forget about the key and just knock the door?

 I wouldn't.....)

Cry now or later?

What was bound to happen gave me a slap in the face.

Epic Failure

We feel lighter when we finally see what is important and what is not. There are many unimportant affairs we face in life. We think a person is good when he is able to take everything down. Therefore, we may want to be good at doing so in order to be excellent and finally be perfect. Ironically, being perfect is unattainable and we are going to fail ourselves when we mistakenly view burdens as stepping stone to the stars.

Disgusted

Try to concentrate on the unchanged part of the changing world.

It's watching me...

I don't know what is wrong with me tonight. I'm sleepy but just don't want to go to sleep. Tomorrow is Monday, it is the start of another cycle again but going to end harder than the ones ended.

They celebrate, I write blog.

I am away from home, it's Dumpling festival today.
If I don't get to celebrate with family, why I don't have rice dumplings to celebrate alone?
Friends are posting their pictures with family and their rice dumplings. Me?

Diary of June, 2012

June 11, 2012
- Even though you were able to revive dead people, you did not bring back their lives. They were no longer the same person you knew when they were resurrected. You just created a bunch of monsters.
June 12, 2012

- I was so exhausted! It was tiring to carry my bag that weighed 3-4kg. They said what was carried making you rich, I thought it was a burden.

June 13, 2012

- People walked around the place and  acted they did not see each other. Were they blind? They were not, they just wished to be.
June 14, 2012
- I was welcoming the biggest torture of today to end the biggest torture of the week.

Stop n Read

Deep

Be that as it may - Willie Nelson & Paula Nelson

I love music very much. Music is the only source of entertainment I get from. I listen to all sorts of music. It has become a vitally important element of my life. I try not to post so many songs because I know with this few readers who are willing to visit my blog, no body is gonna waste his data usage streaming the song. Not many of them in my circle who like to read either....I still do what I will do anyway..I do it for myself.

On the bus

This is the sixth time I experience this, feeling like I'm all alone again going to nowhere on earth. I'm about to head to a place that shapes me and brings me closer to my dream. Each time when I go through this, the feeling is complicated but I am all calmed. It is kind of emotional but not too much. It makes me to think about the person I was, I am and I will be when I reach the end of the journey. I hope I can take down what is in my way and survive it.

Vision

Life is full of challenges. They are inevitable and causing changes from time to time. Each time they strike, they come in new forms, which hit harder and cause more damage. In order to survive the threat of it, one has to move out of his safe zone. Not to resist or get rid of it but to learn to endure the adverse effect of it for extended period of time, to IMUNE it. Time to get my brain to work.

Recovering

It's night again, I'm back to my room as usual. It feels different today. I sense something is going wrong and the difference wakes me from my fantasy. I never felt anything for the past 8 months. I finally feel something now and the feeling is triggered by a small problem. This can tell how weak I have been, just a small matter but the way I react to it making it it matters a lot. I should stand up again after today. Otherwise, I suspect that I'm having severe depression. Knowing the pain is a good sign after all.

I know this is what I wanted when I was unable to...now I can...and the pain is not enough to stop me.....

Lost

You cannot give up. Must not. Be strong!

Life shows no mercy

I feel horrible. The feeling is traumatic and intensified when the unexpected comes as bad surprise. I am not surprised at all, but badly shocked. It breaks my heart into pieces that no way I can mend it.It came. For the first time ever I thought I could make it and it happened to disappoint me the most.I did not prepare for this and I never had a back door to make an escape. I never knew thing would happen to this extend. I guess I have to really rearrange everything, start planning all over from the inside. I should have prepared my mind about everything that happened today. I found out the deadly mistake and left it unchecked..I'm responsible for it.

The pain is so unbearable but it's good to let the pain burn a scar in my heart that serves a warning not to show empathy to enemies who find chances to hurt me...I get no sympathy from people when I need it.

Summing up for the month of May

31st May, 2012

     I'm not surprised at all when I gain weight. I knew it when I chose to lead a sedentary lifestyle. I never moved my arse from my chair. Anyway, I'm suffering the consequence now..I bet you know how I feel...if you were not born slim and fit forever. When I look back my old photos, I realize that I'm looking older now. So OLD that it surprises me to see the big difference between how I look now with me in the photos taken last year. 
     I just changed my hairstyle yesterday. I will keep on changing like I always do. Not for the way I look but for the way I feel. Many people just don't understand what I really mean when I say so. When we experience more things in life, we feel tired about life. Sometimes those things make us more mature but I believe that they make us old most of the time. I don't want to be lethargic or tired by the ups and downs of life. So, a new hairstyle will serve as a reminder to encourage me to start life anew if I dislike the life I have and work hard to attain the life that I dream of....

Those times

I remember when I was younger I had this little thing for this girl. She was a Chindian. Being a hybrid, she was already so special to me, what attracted me more was her behaviour. I'm sure that many who knew her would say she was weird. I would not say she was weird, I would say special instead. She was defensive, rowdy and sometimes selfish but I found her charming. She was not the kind of girl whom you can come along with easily. Her temper and defense system would challenge your patience for each second. We had so many issues when we worked together because we did not see eye-to-eye about many things. Later, we became closer day by day after spending some time together. I really enjoyed the moment with her and found her truly unique. The whole thing lasted for about a year or so when she suddenly vanished into thin air. Like a magician, she disappeared in a puff of smoke and ended her brilliant show while I was as naive as a kid, still enjoying the show and expecting more surprises. I waited, but the magician never came back again......

More Than Gratitude

It is the end of a period again. Throughout this period, I had too much fun and thrilling moments. I am thankful to be who and where I am.

Grieving

No matter how brave someone claims to be, he would be fear when the darkness comes. We are humans, fearless is not a part of us. So, when we feel that thing is getting out of hand, we probably become pessimistic in a way that we don't take chances, giving up on something before it disappoints us. Deep inside, we have given up ourselves to our fear, allowing it to tear our hearts apart.

How do I do?

Been very busy this week. Have lots of thoughts and feelings to be converted into writing.

Gimme some time.

I will do fine tomorrow.

Traumatized

Basically, I just eat and sleep. 
I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I feel so lost and aimless.

With so many things waiting me to handle, I'd rather to waste my time procrastinating.

This is bad because I'm avoiding problems.

I'm scared...

Put it down

Time goes by.
No time to cry.
Life's you and I.
Alive, today.

God, I'm being weak.

Guide me.

Diary of April, 2012.

24th April, 2012

- It has come to a new chapter of life. This time, I'm doing some alterations to it. My family and I have fingers crossed that the changes will bring some positive outcomes. We are not always given a second chance in our lifetime to try something out. 

- The clock is ticking, indicating the time is ticking away second by second. Inside of us, we all have a biological clock that controls us. Thanks to this biological clock, we develop into a mass of cells from zygote, then become a newborn baby. We then grow up from kid to teenager. Eventually, we age and die and leave no sign of our existence to the next generation. 

- I have this intention to start a very memorable story of my own. It will highlight my day with laughter and become meaningful remembrance when I'm aged decades later. So, I will experiment about it in this new stage of life. 

25th April, 2012

- When there is a girl causes your heart pounding fast, I can tell that you are afraid of her. Scared.

26th April, 2012
- The time is up! You don't have time to laze around. Focus on what you should do before it is too late. History will happen all over again when you forget about the lesson it brings. Make yourself clear that, it won't be easy to get through it for the second time.
- All this time you have been searching for a reason. You think you deserve a reason. No, you don't deserve it, and you probably won't get one either.

27th April, 2012
- Seriously, time management is everything.
- To get started, it is to start all over. I feel exhausted. I am tired...owned...doomed!

- Be strong, there will always be a way. By keep walking on the journey, you will find the exit eventually. For now, you find the journey cold and miserable, somehow you will reach the desired destination someday. When you leave the darkness, there will be warm sun, white cloud, blue sky, green field and chill wind welcoming you. Endure the pain!  

28th April, 2012

- Taking steps to get paranoia killed. :-)

29th April, 2012

- I think I will lose the fight. I cant find back the fighting spirit I used to have.

- I really have changed...in a negative way.

Haha-ism Part II

My friends always remind me that I'm a bad storyteller. I leave the story hanging all the time.

Memories about THIS Barbarian.

      I just realize that I need to record down every single moment of life in somewhere. I dont keep a diary, so the place where I write can be on almost anywhere(if it sounds crazy to you..)and of course blogger is always a right place for me. It is widely known that I have this habit of expressing my dissatisfaction about anything on Blogger as well as Facebook. Today, when I read back my old posts I find lots of interesting pieces of me which I hardly know about-I was(and am still) stupid and hot-tempered. Well, realizing this doesn't mean that I will be better or try to be someone who is not me, but I will make sure that I deal with this problem seriously this time. Perhaps I need much more control in this matter. I don't really wanna throw temper tantrum constantly like I did because I know it is harmful. I experienced it once! No, I mean way more than just once. One of my experience was truly horrible and it is still haunting me day and night. I did not know what happened that day when everything was seen fine(I thought it was..), so I went in the room upstairs and tried to had this official stuffs done. I could sense that something was apparently not right, but I didn't care much about the tensed atmosphere(because this was how I usually dealed with stuffs-careless). I was too inexperienced and naive, thinking that only stupid would keep silent for this long, so I spoke out instead. Sarcastically, with his line drawn so unclearly, I was SO unaware of going beyond his line IN his so called territory. Here's where the exciting part of the story begins, he, from then on, kept an evil eye on me. He tried to make things difficult with his well-educated servants back him up. As I was so easily ticked off, I started to behaved like a barbarian again who came undone right away......TO KEEP THE STORY SHORT....That particular man was not much better than me actually. He, himself was a time-bomb. Once exploding the whole world would fall apart. I should have handled him more carefully if I was sane enough to know this earlier. But, naively, I triggered the time-bomb and it exploded right in front of me. That explosion was disastrous. I was lucky that I was not blown into pieces. I survived it and the side effect of this incident is still haunting my life. To be more precisely, I'm so dreaded with the memories that this incident has caused. Now, although I'm moving on and trying hard to live my life however, for each and every single step I take, I will have to take a serious look before I leap. I don't expect to step on another landmine after I survived one. After all these years, I am still in my effort to cast away this terrible past. I'm getting better now. I don't do this anymore when I step out of my room-my safe zone. Deep down in my heart , I'm still mean and wild and my body doesn't always listen to my command..........

Mouthful of Diamonds

Life is already good enough. All this time I was thinking that life could be better.

Something, only heaven knows

Maybe my love will come back someday, only heaven knows.

And maybe our hearts will find a way,  but only heaven knows.

All I can do is hope & pray 'coz heaven knows.

Over-reacted

I'm a good person who likes to express my anger in writing.

Any readers, by any chance, pass by my blog, please don't be offended by my posts.

They may sound harsh and mean to you, but you won't be able to find another person who write things like I do. 
 So, love me.......

Humility can be egoism. There is no contradiction.

I've been called by the folks as ''Solo King'' for some time. I'm happy to OWN this title.

    

To certain people, the title is a plain indication of loneliness. They are just green in envy, for they will never know how proud I am for owning the title. It is a long-waited achievement and a great sign of unpredictable potential in me. Imagine yourself can work out and survive alone with the endless amount of daunting tasks, that are supposed to be shared and completed with months and months of carefully planned group work? How amazingly wonderful when you realize that you are now ALREADY on a par with those whom you used to admire for their incredible ability in solving tasks. 

     

I am sane, I am proud and I think I'm appropriate for saying this loud and clear, that I am apparently so much better than others. You don't get the right to judge me. I know who I am and I am what I am. This is my ego.

Read between the lines. I have life. I love mine.

     I need privacy and some time for myself. Your stupid rule is too much for me. I never went against the idea of setting rule because I found rule healthy and to a certain point, it's meaningful. The one you are introducing is plain idiotically blind. Are you sure you want me to follow such blind rule in a blind way? I have my view of life, I'm extraordinary hygienic and I'm good. I don't need such rules to restrict my freedom. You are smaller than me, learn to respect others opinion, you son of a B*****!

     I have been very good for quite a while. Can't you seriously just be nice for a second. World will be peaceful, with no tear and blood without you.

白羊座   個性衝動的白羊，按理說是不會有什麼等候的動作，哪怕是一個暫停的想法，也很難在他們的心中浮現，因為不管是機會還是遙遠的未來，都是他們追尋著跑，等待只會錯失，只是，當奮力拚搏換來的是一場空，當努力爭取的快樂被證明只是曇花一現的假象，白羊平靜的告訴自己，是該稍作休息的時候了，回頭看看，因為跑得太快而錯過的風景，原來那麼美，暫且等待一下，等待收拾好過往的得失，等待自己真正想要的，再銜接未來。

From Back to back

After a long dream that mesmerizes, confuses and blinds, I've finally awoken. It was not an unrealistic and illogical dream. Instead, it was a sweet and memorable one which I wanted. However, once you are awake, it vanishes whereby you need to face the ugly and merciless reality again.

────────────────────░███░
───────────────────░█░░░█░
──────────────────░█░░░░░█░
─────────────────░█░░░░░█░
──────────░░░───░█░░░░░░█░
─────────░███░──░█░░░░░█░
───────░██░░░██░█░░░░░█░
──────░█░░█░░░░██░░░░░█░
────░██░░█░░░░░░█░░░░█░
───░█░░░█░░░░░░░██░░░█░
──░█░░░░█░░░░░░░░█░░░█░
──░█░░░░░█░░░░░░░░█░░░█░
──░█░░█░░░█░░░░░░░░█░░█░
─░█░░░█░░░░██░░░░░░█░░█░
─░█░░░░█░░░░░██░░░█░░░█░
─░█░█░░░█░░░░░░███░░░░█░
░█░░░█░░░██░░░░░█░░░░░█░
░█░░░░█░░░░█████░░░░░█░
░█░░░░░█░░░░░░░█░░░░░█░
░█░█░░░░██░░░░█░░░░░█░
─░█░█░░░░░████░░░░██░
─░█░░█░░░░░░░█░░██░█░
──░█░░██░░░██░░█░░░█░
───░██░░███░░██░█░░█░
────░██░░░███░░░█░░░█░
──────░███░░░░░░█░░░█░
──────░█░░░░░░░░█░░░█░
──────░█░░░░░░░░░░░░█░
──────░█░░░░░░░░░░░░░█░
──────░█░░░░░░░░░░░░░█░
████──░█░████░░░░░░░░█░
█──█──████──████░░░░░█░
█──█──█──█──█──████████
█──█──████──█──█──────█
█──█──█──█────██──██──█
█──████──█──█──█──────█
█─────█──█──█──█──█████
███████──████──█──────█
──────████──██████████
★══════════★★══════════★

Friends Indeed.

I miss friends who used to ask about me.

The moment you accompanied and advised me will be appreciated and remembered...

....till the end of time.

I'm drawing your attention that,

if anyone of you by any chance read this,

please know that I always love you.

There won't be extravagant of words flowing,

just want to say that I keep you deep in my heart. 

Thank you.

Quoted from FB

失败一定有原因，成功一定有方法。
每一个成功者都有一个开始。
勇于开始，才能找到成功的路。
即使爬到最高的山上，一次也只能脚踏实地地迈一步。

Unbearably suffering

Right now there is no one else awake other than me. Loneliness is so overwhelming. Realizing hours later is the moment of departing, it adds on much more unspoken mixed feeling to the existing sadness, making the feeling stronger and much unbearable. There will be examinations carried out as soon as I can imagine. However, this time I am no longer well-prepared as I was. I lazed around, my fighting spirit vanished, resulting me-the scared and worried. I'm thinking to give up. I am not motivated at all. I have failed too many times. I'm just scared. I am not convinced. I think I have lost the fight.

Not my new year resolution

If you think you can, then you can.
I think I can.
Does it mean that I really can?
Sometimes the answer is NO.
However, to stay motivated we have to fake our feeling out, pretending thing will be just fine.
I, somehow feel this is not right as it merely blinds us from truth or keeps us away from reality.
It doesn't help boosting confidence level but to create fake hope that leads to egoism and unnecessary hurting experience.

Take it

Jesus I feel helpless and hopeless sometimes. There are too much worries and fright in life. I need your guidance and blessing.

Stabilizer

I really need to evolute!!

I need to evolve a style of my own.

It is needed for the ultimate deadly secret weapon that I use as a last resort.

(I'm not being defensive.....)

.............................................................................................................................................................

The need to take a step back and look at yourself from an outside point of view.

Know your strengths and push yourself to acknowledge your triumphs and try not to dwell on your failures.  

(It's easier said than done.......) 

The Vision

Am I already improving? Am I stuck at where I stopped?
I have not mastered a shit.

In order to step out of my comfort zone, I need to have faith in myself that I can make the first step.

The Unspoken Truth

Be strong. It will be all fine after this. Man up!

1、无须在意别人的评说,只要把自己的事情做好
2、无须看别人的眼神,只需走自己的路
3、无须有过多的抱怨,那样会使自己的心更累
4、无须太过于较真,那样会使自己更难过
5、不管走在何处,我们都不要迷失自己

Warmth

I have had enough of those. Oh God, please guide me through darkness and lead me to light. I need you...